all this talking is only bravado

...

when he used to be beating me
he used to say things to me
he told me how none of my family cared about me
he told me how they wouldn’t do anything to help me
he told me it wouldn’t matter what I said none of them would believe me
he told me none of them would bother

to this day I still believe him, no one cares, no one will help
I couldn’t tell my mum because she was the person supporting him
there was nobody to turn to just waiting for him to kill me, for 11 years
I've always felt not wanted
I’m afraid when my mum dies I will just end up homeless again

from the age of 9 I believed he was going to murder me
from the age of 9 I lived in terror of him going to kill me any second

when I've been low, living in a doss house when someone sneaks in behind me & starts hitting me in the face with a piece of wood, when I've been really low no family was there, no family cared I was all alone

every day is why didn’t you kill yourself why don’t you kill your self
I am still terrified to this day that he will kill me
I am still terrified to this day that someone will kill me
everytime I go out the door & now inside my house
if I don’t kill myself then I know someone else will
some cunt like a drunk angus swan

I still live with these things every second of every day
these are the nightmares I can’t wake up from
no one cares or ever will
I should kill myself
it will be weeks before they “find” my body

this is why I smoke cannabis – no you won’t stop me, you just don’t fucking get it do you? Go on explain to me how you get it? – it numbs everything. after years of being numb I can try & function close to something like normal because everything is dead. just as long as I have something to do just so long as I have something to live for the alternative is not being numb & killing myself
this is why I’ve been homeless & lived in a doss house, it has never mattered
I have a sister who would prefer it if I wasn’t around so she could get back to a relationship with her dad & cousins who could care less

I’m 43 & know things will never change
I don’t want to be alone but that’s all I will ever be
*****************************
I can’t take anymore
from being shoved around as the bastard baby to being physically assaulted wherever I’ve lived or wherever I’ve worked to the police lying to me breaking their oath to protect me I can’t face it anymore, years of this
I’m just the worthless piece of shit he said I was

.:.

Tinsel town in the rain

...
Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
Will we always be happy go lucky ?
Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
But it's easy come & it's easy go
All this talking is only bravado




Why did we ever come so far ?
I knew I'd seen it all before
Tall building reach up in vain
Tinseltown is in the rain
I know now love was so exciting

Tinseltown in the rain, all men & women
Here we are, caught up in this big rhythm

One day this love will all blow over
Time for leaving the parade
Is there a place in this city?
A place to always feel this way
And hey, there's a red car in the fountain

Tinseltown in the rain, all men & women
Here we are, caught up in this big rhythm

Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
Will we always be happy go lucky ?
Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
But it's easy come & it's easy go
All this talking is only bravado

Oh, Tinseltown, Tinseltown is in the rain
Tinseltown in the rain, all men & women
Here we are, caught up in this big rhythm

Tinseltown in the rain, all men and women
Here we are, caught up in this big rhythm
Tinseltown is in the rain, Tinseltown is in the rain
Tinseltown is in the rain, Tinseltown is in the rain

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
Will we always be happy go lucky ?
Do I love you ? Yes, I love you
But it's easy come & it's easy go
All this talking is only bravado

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
.:.

Stop that Train

...
All my good life I've been a lonely man
Teachin' my people who don't understand
And even though I tried my best
I still can't find no happiness

Stop that train: I'm leavin'
Stop that train: I'm leavin' - anyway now!
Stop that train: I'm leavin'. And I'm a tell ya:
It won't be too long whether I'm right or wrong;
I said, it won't be too long whether I'm right or wrong.

All my good life I've been a lonely man,
Teachin' my people who don't understand;
And even though I tried my best,
I still can't find no happiness.

So I got to say:
Stop that train: I'm leavin' - gotta believe me now
Stop that train: I'm leavin' - nothin' to stop me now
Stop that train: I'm leavin'. I keep on tellin that
It won't be too long whether I'm right or wrong;
Said, it won't be too long whether I'm right or wrong.

Some goin' east; some goin' west,
Some stand aside to try their best.
Some livin' big, but the most is livin' small::
They just can't even find no food at all.

I mean, stop it:
Stop that train: I'm leavin' - right now
Stop that train: I'm leavin' - any minute now
Stop that train: I'm leavin'. cos I'm a tellin that
It won't be too long whether I'm right or wrong;
I said it won't be too long whether I'm right or wrong.

Stop that train: I'm leavin' - fed up now
Stop that train: I'm leavin' - can't take it!
Stop that train: I'm leavin' - got to be better!
It won't be too long whether I'm right or wrong;
I said it won't be too long whether I'm right or wrong
.:.

Kathy's Song

...
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you.





Kathy's Song

I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm continuing
Tapping on my roof and walls.

And from the shelter of my mind
Through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets
To England where my heart lies.

My mind's distracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're asleep
And kiss you when you start your day.

And a song I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme.

And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you.

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I.
.:.

why is it always happening to me

...
I was arrested yesterday for allegedly sending in threats via email to an MEP & MSP.
the email is sent through a legitimate sanctioned website where you don't have annonimity & use full name address & postcode:
http://www.writetothem.com/

the various MSP's/MEP's/MP's that you select are then sent your message via the website & you don't have their email address's, so there were at least 10+ who all got the same messages which were :
"if you aquiesce & give tacit consent to the private banking cartel of the bank of england printing our money supply as an interest debt when the governement can print all out money debt free, then you are committing treason in the robbery of the state & the citizens of the state & you should be sacked immediately, gotten rid of, without benefit or pension"
&
"I demand a criminal investigation into the systematic sexual abuse of Hollie Greig & 7 other named people by a paedophile ring involving a police officer a member of the judiciary & social workers in Aberdeen & criminal charges being brought against the guilty & that the D notices be dropped"
I did make them write all this down into evidence, as they say "anything I say maybe taken down & used in evidence"

I was arrested in my home & charged with two counts of sending threats via email using this website, hopefully the court will recognise the police's bemusement for this alleged crime of threats & drop this case
the peebles police had been requested by strathclyde police to arrest me & did admit to not quite clearly seeing why I was being arrested after reading out my alleged threats
to be continued when I get the summons in the mail

this is all about my sister & her husband applying for a Visa to the US & has fuckall to do with sending threats via email as there were no threats sent just protest & objection - a fucking disgrace
you really have me thinking fuck it all, I can't cope with this shit anymore
I wish I could start again or kill myself - whichever's easist




.:.

Picasso - Tete d'Homme 1908

...
after: Picasso - Tete d'Homme 1908




COPY ART
after: Picasso - Tete d'Homme - Spring 1908
oil on paper - water mixable zinc white lamp black
11" x 15" quarter imperial cold pressed 300gms paper
£50 +p&p & insurance

http://picasso.shsu.edu/index.php?view=ArtworkInfo&OPPID=OPP.08%3A251

I showed it at facebook, where I was asked "why [do] such as sad painting?" - I explained that I was just teaching myself to paint & wanted a challenge [so chose Picasso]
then it became clear, it was a sad painting, it has taken me about a month to do during which I have really struggled over lost love & past history... closer to the edge

maybe there is more to the comment than I first realised
maybe it chose itself because of my situation
maybe it needed to be done
.:.

can't we at least be friends

...

I am trying
I only made those offers because I thought that's what friends did
& don't say they don't because it's exactly what friends do
not really gone in for friends since I was 16 so I'm not sure what to do, cut off all ties to people years ago

I occupy my time with artwork
& looking after a disable parent - some say if you're the child of a single parent you won't start to live your life until they pass on


[ to be continued ]


.:.

Something Worth Living For

...
I think I might have found the start for my valentines poem for Bridget Burnett
"Something Worth Living For"
ok so it's only one line & it may not even end up in it
but it's a start
& that's what you need

I want to express how I feel
& that I know she's married with two children & that why on earth would she even consider loosing that for a worthless piece of shit like me - & that she's chosen not too
I was never meant to be this & I was never meant to be here
but I am
I am trying to get my way out


[after 3 days graft it has finally taken shape I'll share the first line "the last of this years roses" but not showing any more until after 14th feb valentine' day when it has been printed in her local newspaper, so she won't miss it ]
.:.

VOTE ROBERT GREEN & END PAEDOPHILIA IN SCOTLAND

...
A CASE CLOSE TO MY FESTERING PATHETIC HEART
THAT OF HOLLIE GRIEG
SHE WAS PASSED AROUND A PAEDOPHILE RING IN SCOTLAND FOR YEARS
THIS RING INCLUDES JUDGES DOCTORS POLICE OFFICERS MEDICAL STAFF & LOTS OF "HIGH-RANKING POWER PEOPLE"

PLEASE VOTE FOR ROBERT GREEN

PLEASE VOTE FOR ROBERT GREEN IF HE WINS IT GETS REPORTED IN THE NEWS WHICH WILL BE A FIRST STEP IN ENDING THIS TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE

PLEASE VOT FOR ROBERT GREEN

THE STORY HAS BEEN BANNED BY THE LORD ADVOCATE FOR SCOTLAND AS SHE TRIES TO COVER UP WHAT HER PAEDOPHILE FRIENDS ARE DOING - DON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU READ IN THE SCOTSMAN! THIS IS WHY SHE HAS STEPPED DOWN TO PREVENT THE CURRENT DEMANDS FROM THE SCOTTISH PUBLIC ON WHY SHE BLOCKED ACCESS TO INFORMATION REGARDING THIS SUBJECT



PLEASE VOTE FOR ROBERT GREEN

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP ON THIS ONE
.:.

hello

er... didn't really think anybody bothered reading my blog (been a few years & nobody has before(judging by the numbers))
so I er kind of wrote things that maybe if someone was reading I shouldn't have really written
hope you're not offended?
I'll try to moderate my "outbursts" to be more acceptable to the public
anyway hello, hope you are well & thanks.