Tuesday, 4 September 2012

no way out

[fortunately I don't have to say anything as you're saying more than enough for me]

TRIGGER WARNING: it never occurred to me to use one, it was 2 years before I realised anyone was actually even reading this blog, although that just made me delete some blogs (rather than convert them to drafts) the following is just an example of what I took to the police so if things easily offend you or cause you distress just walk on by instead when I get some cash I'll replace my mac & will continue blogs on dognamedblue but this will stay up here

please don't think that this is a complete list
I wrote several documents as I tried to get everything together to present to the police, this just being one of them so isn't a definitive list. think of it as "free form" rather than anything coherent. I've read it again & even I'm surprised by what's missing from these documents I found on my lap top
when my mum was telling me the things she remembered & I couldn't remember most of them, I don't mean "oh, I'd forgotten about that" but I had no memory at all of them, she told me how she came home from work & came up stairs & he had me raised off the ground holding me by my throat with one hand against the wall while punching me repeatedly with his other hand, I guess there are things I've just blanked from my memory, so best if I just start to try & forget about it all... 
it's just a spider's web & there's NO WAY OUT

[I'm just posting this because I said I would, writing about it makes you forget about it to some degree, I haven't decided whether that's a good thing yet]
this is from 2009:

he attacked me physically, violently assaulted me, 3 times prior to getting my mother pregnant

when I was 6 he attacked me because some older kids had broken a toy gun he'd made
when I was 6 he attacked me when I broke part of a model, it was either a phantom jet or bell huey helicopter, I can't remember which
when I was 6 he attacked me because I didn't know my 7 times table

there were about 3 occassions where he was verbally abusive, where his rage was so aggressive I thought I was going to be attacked
I was terrified

he just used to walk in through the front door without knocking
my granddad was waiting for him behind the front door when he walked in
my granddad grab him by his throat & pushed him up against the wall
"if you touch him again I will kill you"
I was at the top of the stairs, half hiding, I was afraid as my granddad was so angry
this stopped his progresively more violent assaults until after getting my mother pregnant & fhe forced her to marry him.

we moved house, 50 miles away from any family I had known, this was the first time my granddad tried to adopt me but my mother said no.

on the day we moved in my mother’s husband went out to catch some children playing in sand. He grabbed about 4 & dragged them to the building site office to try to have them arrested. A couple of days later I was tied up with wire & left in a half built house by these kids.

He started his violent abuse straight away
I’ve lost track of the amount of times I was violently assaulted
100? 200? 300? 400? 500? 600? 700? 800? I’ve lost track of the amount of times I was violently assaulted
there were many periods where it would be every day, 4 & 5 times a week, with a break for weekend when my mum was round the house, she worked 3 jobs
it was always every week
I would be violently assualted any second any minute any hour any day any week any month any year for 11 years
He was as brutal & violent after 11 years as he was at the begining

he would kick me in the face
he would punch me in the face
he would kick me
he would punch me
he would hold me by my collar & repeatedly punch me in my face
he would throw me down stairs
he would kick me down stairs
he would kick me up stairs
he would attack me at any time, if I was walking past him
he would attack me at any time when I was sat in the chair
I wasn't allowed to speak for long periods
I was only allowed to speak when I was spoken to
I wasn't allowed to move for long periods, just stay sat in the chair
I wasn’t allowed to ask questions
I wasn’t allowed to make friends, unless they had been vetted & friends were refused
I was baby sitting & child-minding including changing nappies bathing feeding from the age of 8
he wouldn’t spend a penny on me & I had to do without clothes living off hand-me-downs
I had to have the regulation haircut
I was forced to join the air cadets
I wasn’t allowed girlfriends
television was vetted & subversive programs were not allowed
I was terrorised to the point where I was no longer able to think for myself
I was broken completely by the age of 9
I wasn't allowed to cry whilst being beaten, if I cried or made sounds the beating would become more violent so I would appear to be crying & screaming but not making a sound like a silent movie

all it took was the look from him, from the age of 9 & I would freeze in terror
he had perfectred it

anything would be used as an excuse for me to be attacked & beaten. It would be his days off or I would have to wait for him to come home, where he would enter a rage & violently assault me (whilst I was curled up in a ball on my bed) I used to beg him "please don't kill me", plead to him to stop but he wouldn't until his rage was worn out. there were many occasion where I thought I was (in the process) of being killed, his violent assault were that bad

examples of excuses used:
if I hadn’t made a cup of tea for my mother coming home from work, I literally had to be stirring in the sugar as she walked through the door
if I hadn’t put away the dishes
if I hadn’t washed the dishes
if I hadn’t cleaned up
if I hadn’t cleaned the back garden from dog muck
if I was late home from school
if I was late picking my sister up from the baby then child minder
if I hadn’t done my home work – if I didn’t have any homework to do
if I answered back
if I was late in at curfew – it was 6pm to 6:30pm until 13 then it was 7:30pm until 16 where it was 9pm. He would wait & time how late I was, then I would be attacked when I walked through the door
if I spoke out of turn
if I didn’t say ‘please’ & ‘thank you’
if I accepted cups of tea or other hospitality when round at neighbours with them
if I complained

there were a minimum of 3 times where he attempeted to muder me; there were more but three times that I can stand in court & say on these times he tried to murder me & some smart arse lawyer can't worm his way out of it

when I was 9 he was attacking me so violently on my bed where he was so carried away enjoying the process of murdering me, he was using his hands & feet, he loved it.
I started to say after this ‘this time he is going to kill me’
but no one would listen.

when I was 11 I was lying on the floor playing with my cat, I was meowing like a cat, he smashed the dish rack down in the kitchen & said “stop fucking about with that cat.” I said I wasn’t, that it was me, ‘’meow’ see?’
he came running in from the kitchen, whilst I was led on the floor, still running he kicked me as hard as he could in the face
I was sent spinning in to the sofa
I had a black eye & busted mouth
this was attempted murder, he tried to kick my head off

when I was 12, it was just before 7am, I was trying to get out of the house quickly, I had shouted out ‘where are my socks?’ at my mother
He came running out of their bedroom still in his underwear, I had managed to get to the top of the staris when he caught me
He grabbed my collars, he grabbed my waist at the back, he picked me up & violently threw me down the stairs
I missed all the stairs & crashed in to the wall at the bottom of the stairs
This was attempted murder

when I was 8 I was told “It is inappropriate to show your mother affection”. I would not bw allowed to kiss her or to hug her & to say goodnight anymore.

when I was 9 to 10 there were 2 occassions where my sister had used felt pens on the furniture walls & white goods. she was terrified, whether she was thinking what happens to him is going to happen to me I don’t know, but she looked like that was her thinking
she blamed me, it was taken as fact without argument allowed, I was beaten for this on both occassions. from this day my sister realised that if she had done anything wrong all she had to do was blame me & it would be taken as fact, so she did & it would be used as an excuse to violently assault me

when I was 10 to 11 I had started to take booze from their supply in to a small brandy bottle, better to be drunk when getting beaten to death & at school after footbal matches

when I was 11 I was punched in the face for not brushing my teeth

when I was 11 to 12 I had ripped out so much off my hair that I had a bald patch where people used to take the piss because they acutally I was going prematurely bald
when this happened I started to pull my hair out one at a time & eat it
I still eat my own body hair to this day

when I was 13 I stopped praying to god every night to "please take me’ in my sleep I couldn't believe there was a god anymore that would allow this to happen
when I was 14 & 15 & 16 were the intense suicidal feelings that ended in running away & a failed suicide attempt at 16

when I was 13 just before that christmas I went in the loft because he kept his porn mags in a green briefcase. I was caught in the loft. When he went in to the loft & saw what I’d been doing he said that I had opened all the christmas presents & then used this as an excuse to attack me.

when I was 13 he made me paint the apex of the roof whilst he was at the bottom violently shaking the ladders

when I was 13 my mother was sobbing at my bedroom window she said she was going to leave both my sister & my self with him & get out of this house
I broke down, I begged her, pulling on her arm  “if you leave he’ll kill me”
My mum has difficulty remembering this because she was sobbing broken down as he had just attacked & beaten her, I didn’t know at the time.

when I was 14 I had my bkie stolen by him & he swapped it for a bike that was big enough for him so he could save bus fare by going on a bike

when I was 14 I was invited to his parent’s daughters wedding, when it was time for photographs I was told by his mother that ‘they didn’t want me to be in their photographs’ & I was to ‘get out of the way & stand over near a tree’ I had given over crying over his parenrs actins by this time

when I was 14 he took all my art supplies preventing me from drawing. I was told I wouldn’t be allopwed to draw again

when I was 14 he told me I had to get rid of my comics or he would “take them down stairs & burn them” I had thousands of pounds worth of comics, every 2000AD from issue 1 every star wars from issue 1 about a thousand american comics. I was collecting specific issues as I knew they would be worth money, they were worth at least £1000 I had to sell them all for £25 I was devastated I was in tears for weeks

when I was 16 for the 6 months prior to my o levels he wrote out 2 exams a day 5 days a week. It was one a day then moved to two a day. If I failed then I was beaten & had to do the exam again. This was a deliberate attempt to ruin my future as they had nothing to do with my o levels. I was beaten 3 times for protesting that I couldn’t revise for my o levels. I gave up protesting, as the beatings were so violent. I only passed 2 o levels when I was told by teachers that I would get 8.
I was also made to study advanced level physics at the same time to ensure I couldn’t revise for my o levels

When I was 16 he again was trying to kick me down the stairs, this time I turned around to grab his leg & missed I was thrown out. I ran away to kill myself. I had been told to ‘get out of this fucking house’ I was broken down, I was sobbing tears all the way on the bus to my grandmother’s flat, I was going to the garden of rememberance where my granddad was, take some pills I had taken & kill myself
my granddad was still trying to adopt me up to his death when I was 16
my grandad had just died & if he wasn’t there to save me there was no point in living as
his violent assaults would end up killing me so I ran away to kill myself

When I was 17 I had to lie in bed in the same room as them listening to him whisper in my mother’s ear ‘get rid of him’ ‘I want him out of this fucking house’ night after night

when I was 17 (to 18) I was thrown out of the house in barrow again "get out of this fucking house" again, I was jobless & homeless – some friends allowed me to store my stuff in their warehouse & sleep at their place over the weekend, but I was homeless the other times in that period
I didn’t see my mother for 4 years I didn’t see my sister for 6 years.
If I saw them shopping in clitherroe he would always see me & drag them away before they saw me

it was a nazi concentration camp existence of violence & brutality
there was mental or physical cruelty every day for 11 years

he would somehow see through these rages that he was killing me & would stop, take a deep breath then leave, just walk out
I used to beg him to stop, pleading him to stop
He did it because he loved it he loved being able to come home from a shit day at FADS & be able to take it out on me

after my sister had been born, a year after they had been married, I was allowed round to his parents house for Sunday lunch
this was the first time his parents found out that the woman who their son had got pregnant & they had forced him to marry her already had a bastard. His parents were disgusted humiliated degraded embarrassed  ashamed & they told me that they were
I wasn’t fed this first time in their house, as long as I was left-handed. I had to sit at a table whilst everyone ate, I was in tears after.
his parents always behaved in this way, they would always be telling me how inferior I was, how inferior my grandparents were, how inferior my family was. They would sometimes do it as jokes
his mother said on the telephone “the only reason he married your mother was because there was already one bastard in the family”

I recently found out about 3 assault he did against my mother
he attacked her 3 times, to let her know she was having that abortion whether she liked it or not, he also threw her down the stairs this was in little lever

when I went on holiday with my aunt & uncle & cousins at about 11, I hit my cousin, they knew something wasn’t right but did nothing
I know that Bill & Linda must of heard my screams
I know that the Aldersleys knew something was wrong, they offered me a place to stay when we were moving from little lever. I wasn’t allowed to stay
I know that the teacher next door knew something was wrong when he used to take me fishing
I know the Rostron’s knew something was wrong. I was on holiday with them & they wouldn’t stop asking ‘what’s wrong?’
I knew my uncle Rob & uncle Pete knew something was wrong. Uncle Rob offered to have words with him at my granddad’s funeral

I have been homeless on four occassions
I have lived in doss houses – where I was attacked sitting in a chair when someone came in from behind & repeatedly hit me in the face with a piece of wooden
I have lived in squalid bedsits
I have no friends
I am a ‘shut-in’
I haven’t killed myself because I feel I won’t get to see my grandparents again if I do
all my life I’ve been made to feel inferior
I’ve never had a decent lasting relationship
I’ve never had kids
I’ve mever been married
I haven’t had sex in over 15 years
I am just the "worthless piece of shit" that he used to scream at me whilst he was beating me as a child
trust no one [6 year rule]
deny everything

none of my family cared about me
they wouldn’t do anything to help me
none of them would believe me
none of them would bother
he would kill me if I told anyone 

I would say that it is only in the past 6 years that I have been able to control the extreme voilent mood swings & rages where I am lost in an hallucination of the past
I lock myself in the house when I feel it coming on & in the past I’ve just been lost, raging hallucination, screaming & ranting, totally lost in it until the rage died
these have been going on all my life in a constant cycle of depression & rage
from the age of 18 I’ve kept them hidden until I lost it in a voilent rage mood swing with my family on several occassions & I was told that I needed help
I have always been ashamed of these rages & have no friends because of it

I have suffered from mental illness since the age of 9
It is a constant & I live life accordingly. I constantly worry about what I might do, because of the rage, to other people, so I keep myself in a house & don’t leave.
Combined with the fact I am just terrified of everything means I’ll end up killing myself so I don’t do something to someone else.

Because I’ve tried before
You would never be able to tell, I could apologise to you sincerely & you would buy it.

Because I used to have to beg for my life when the cunt was trying to murder me

I tried getting help, from the guy that advised on cracker
I can tell you where his daughter lives and works
I can tell you how great his tv career is
I can tell you how he can’t make his mind up wether its his son or son in law that plays classical guitar
I can tell you how fancy his mobile phone is
but I cant tell you how to deal with 11 years of violence & humilation
that still affects me to this day
that will get me to kill myself one day

I think there was a total of about 5, this just being one of them

"that yellow bastard" by frank miller

I used to take a bottle of booze to primary school, took it to a few discos along with some of my mum's motown collection, I recall most were more than willing to take a drink & the "dj" played the motown because it was better than the records he had ;)

"tears of a clown" smokey robinson

"waterfront" david sylvian

in respect of the savile investigation: 
after 11 years of child abuse at the hands of a wife beating baby killing child abuser
you don't tell anyone, ever
you don't trust anyone, ever
your life is just one disaster after another
your life is just a psychological mess
there are no relationship, ever
there are no friends, ever
you just shut yourself off from the world that betrayed you, & everyone in it 
you just aimlessly pathetically drift until you either die or kill yourself
which ever comes first
which is why it takes 20 or 30 or 40 years to come forward 
[it goes all the way to the top & already it is being muddied to make it look like savile was the sole culprit] 
I went to the police, one force said they'd do whatever they could, the other one just lied I was told it was my fault that I should have complained when I was 18 & not waited 25 years & still nothing is ever done
I'm sure their compensation will be commensurate, as it should be considering how abuse traumatises the victim
someday's are worse than others

naming names as has been mentioned by recent victims:
****** ****
***** ****
****** ******
***** **** ****
01*** ******
07*** ******
[don't think I don't know your "new" address either]
[& thanks to Google I now have photos of your road & house too]
not sure when I'll go with his address & phone numbers, maybe after the police victim support & criminal injuries have finished with them
he told the police he didn't live there when he ran away from them & hid at his mother's

I have done nothing wrong
I have dome nothing to be ashamed of
there's a 1st hand eye witness & 4 probable cause witnesses
I've been teaching myself law, not your law society shite either but real law so I hope you do
my life has been a mess & you are going to pay for making it that way I want you in prison for 11 years not a day more not a day less no parole solitary confinement no visitors no lawyers no letters no writing no newspapers no radio no television & then after 11 years you may begin to comprehend what you have done to me & my life

I'm tired of living
when my grandmother talked me out of killing myself at 16 I lived in her airing cupboard for 6 months, I only ventured out at night
then I had to go back home for 2 more years, I don't blame her she'd just lost her husband of 40 odd years I couldn't talk & she was in no state to handle me, she just wanted to die
at this time the physical abuse dropped off although he still would be but the threat of physical abuse & psychological abuse were ramped up to the maximum for example when my grandmother died at 18 he came into my bedroom woke me up by kicking my bed hard saying "get up your grandmother's dead" it resulted in me being left by the side of the road at 18 & homeless for the first time when they moved
my grandparents were the last friends I've ever had
my life's been shit ever since, not that you'd believe me
I have no friends
I've tried but they have always ended up humiliating me & degrading me & to them its always been a joke
the last time I tried was in 2009 but when I needed support going to the police he resorted to telling me what I could & couldn't do
they always end up calling me names "you freak" " you weirdo" "you creep" constant name calling threats abuse & these were my "friends"
I was walking past a window when I was 20 ish & had a rubbish bin was emptied on me from its 1st floor & the friends that were doing it were pointing & laughing at me
on this mans birthday people were joking about his age I made a joke & had a full pint of beer thrown over me
I've always been physically assaulted I still get physically assaulted even right now people are doing it 
grammar school was a nightmare, 5 years of bullying name calling assaults & abuse from the 1st year & in the last year I had my arms trapped in a desk whilst a bully was hitting me in the face I tried to leave & never go back but was forced to return this was another factor in attempting suicide at 16 
there were two teachers who knew that something was going on, a biology teacher who only met him once then offered to find me somewhere to live & a next door neighbour who took me fishing a couple of times

I'd like to be able to say that it didn't start until I was 7/8 but it started long before that
I remember one of the 1st times I went outside just about 2 to be shoved out of the way by neighbours, they didn't want the local bastard stood anywhere near them
at 4 I went to infant school there I found out what the word bastard meant & I was called it all the time by other school kids I remember the ring leader was a girl with long red hair & she always instigated it, it used to send me home in tears my grandmother went to the school to complain but this only stopped them doing it in school they continued it outside school constantly calling me bastard at infant school they used to sing that song at me "where's your daddy gone? where's your daddy gone? far far away"
I had to play in the school yard by myself, off in the corner, one day the wind whipped up & we were called inside, I remember looking up & that's the last thing I remember, I can only think someone then smashed my skull in & left me unconscious for 6 hours
I now believe in the law of attraction
I  try not to go out, it's not safe
I sleep downstairs on the floor I haven't slept in my bed for years

& the worse thing about all this? is now victim support [& the scottish police?] [& therefore criminal injuries who I need on my side so I can then prosecute him by myself if need be], claim they don't have these on their records, even though I spent over 2 hours being interviewed by the police & gave them to victim support at the meeting

I really don't need some cunt sat across from me telling me anything because they read about it in a book & now have some joke qualification & now they are really just making money from another human beings misery

I sometimes think I was meant to do something important, but after a smashed in skull, 8 mercury fillings, 11 years of child abuse & 12 years of drug abuse I've forgotten what it was 

I've been reading http://daffodilrites.blogspot.co.uk/ - strange how it brings back memories I'd forgotten [I'm not trying to claim what I went through is anywhere near what others have had to endure]

*** I've been told by my mum that there's a correction needed to the police document, that his parent's DIDN'T want him to marry her & not as I've put it, but as this was how it was handed to the police I won't correct the document itself just make the correction after-the-fact here instead

- to be continued?
[I'm dyslexic so writing is shall we say difficult it comes in small bursts so probably doesn't make much sense no rhythm to it I just put it down when it's in my head]

"There is NO WAY OUT... or round... or through."
Mind at the end of its Tether
HG Wells 1945 [his last book]