Tuesday, 4 September 2012

no way out

...
[fortunately I don't have to say anything as you're saying more than enough for me]

TRIGGER WARNING: it never occurred to me to use one, it was 2 years before I realised anyone was actually even reading this blog, although that just made me delete some blogs (rather than convert them to drafts) the following is just an example of what I took to the police so if things easily offend you or cause you distress just walk on by instead when I get some cash I'll replace my mac & will continue blogs on dognamedblue but this will stay up here

please don't think that this is a complete list
I wrote several documents as I tried to get everything together to present to the police, this just being one of them so isn't a definitive list. think of it as "free form" rather than anything coherent. I've read it again & even I'm surprised by what's missing from these documents I found on my lap top
when my mum was telling me the things she remembered & I couldn't remember most of them, I don't mean "oh, I'd forgotten about that" but I had no memory at all of them, she told me how she came home from work & came up stairs & he had me raised off the ground holding me by my throat with one hand against the wall while punching me repeatedly with his other hand, I guess there are things I've just blanked from my memory, so best if I just start to try & forget about it all... 
it's just a spider's web & there's NO WAY OUT

[I'm just posting this because I said I would, writing about it makes you forget about it to some degree, I haven't decided whether that's a good thing yet]
this is from 2009:



he attacked me physically, violently assaulted me, 3 times prior to getting my mother pregnant

when I was 6 he attacked me because some older kids had broken a toy gun he'd made
when I was 6 he attacked me when I broke part of a model, it was either a phantom jet or bell huey helicopter, I can't remember which
when I was 6 he attacked me because I didn't know my 7 times table

there were about 3 occassions where he was verbally abusive, where his rage was so aggressive I thought I was going to be attacked
I was terrified

he just used to walk in through the front door without knocking
my granddad was waiting for him behind the front door when he walked in
my granddad grab him by his throat & pushed him up against the wall
"if you touch him again I will kill you"
I was at the top of the stairs, half hiding, I was afraid as my granddad was so angry
this stopped his progresively more violent assaults until after getting my mother pregnant & fhe forced her to marry him.

we moved house, 50 miles away from any family I had known, this was the first time my granddad tried to adopt me but my mother said no.

on the day we moved in my mother’s husband went out to catch some children playing in sand. He grabbed about 4 & dragged them to the building site office to try to have them arrested. A couple of days later I was tied up with wire & left in a half built house by these kids.

He started his violent abuse straight away
I’ve lost track of the amount of times I was violently assaulted
100? 200? 300? 400? 500? 600? 700? 800? I’ve lost track of the amount of times I was violently assaulted
there were many periods where it would be every day, 4 & 5 times a week, with a break for weekend when my mum was round the house, she worked 3 jobs
it was always every week
I would be violently assualted any second any minute any hour any day any week any month any year for 11 years
He was as brutal & violent after 11 years as he was at the begining

he would kick me in the face
he would punch me in the face
he would kick me
he would punch me
he would hold me by my collar & repeatedly punch me in my face
he would throw me down stairs
he would kick me down stairs
he would kick me up stairs
he would attack me at any time, if I was walking past him
he would attack me at any time when I was sat in the chair
I wasn't allowed to speak for long periods
I was only allowed to speak when I was spoken to
I wasn't allowed to move for long periods, just stay sat in the chair
I wasn’t allowed to ask questions
I wasn’t allowed to make friends, unless they had been vetted & friends were refused
I was baby sitting & child-minding including changing nappies bathing feeding from the age of 8
he wouldn’t spend a penny on me & I had to do without clothes living off hand-me-downs
I had to have the regulation haircut
I was forced to join the air cadets
I wasn’t allowed girlfriends
television was vetted & subversive programs were not allowed
I was terrorised to the point where I was no longer able to think for myself
I was broken completely by the age of 9
I wasn't allowed to cry whilst being beaten, if I cried or made sounds the beating would become more violent so I would appear to be crying & screaming but not making a sound like a silent movie

all it took was the look from him, from the age of 9 & I would freeze in terror
he had perfectred it

anything would be used as an excuse for me to be attacked & beaten. It would be his days off or I would have to wait for him to come home, where he would enter a rage & violently assault me (whilst I was curled up in a ball on my bed) I used to beg him "please don't kill me", plead to him to stop but he wouldn't until his rage was worn out. there were many occasion where I thought I was (in the process) of being killed, his violent assault were that bad

examples of excuses used:
if I hadn’t made a cup of tea for my mother coming home from work, I literally had to be stirring in the sugar as she walked through the door
if I hadn’t put away the dishes
if I hadn’t washed the dishes
if I hadn’t cleaned up
if I hadn’t cleaned the back garden from dog muck
if I was late home from school
if I was late picking my sister up from the baby then child minder
if I hadn’t done my home work – if I didn’t have any homework to do
if I answered back
if I was late in at curfew – it was 6pm to 6:30pm until 13 then it was 7:30pm until 16 where it was 9pm. He would wait & time how late I was, then I would be attacked when I walked through the door
if I spoke out of turn
if I didn’t say ‘please’ & ‘thank you’
if I accepted cups of tea or other hospitality when round at neighbours with them
if I complained

there were a minimum of 3 times where he attempeted to muder me; there were more but three times that I can stand in court & say on these times he tried to murder me & some smart arse lawyer can't worm his way out of it

when I was 9 he was attacking me so violently on my bed where he was so carried away enjoying the process of murdering me, he was using his hands & feet, he loved it.
I started to say after this ‘this time he is going to kill me’
but no one would listen.

when I was 11 I was lying on the floor playing with my cat, I was meowing like a cat, he smashed the dish rack down in the kitchen & said “stop fucking about with that cat.” I said I wasn’t, that it was me, ‘’meow’ see?’
he came running in from the kitchen, whilst I was led on the floor, still running he kicked me as hard as he could in the face
I was sent spinning in to the sofa
I had a black eye & busted mouth
this was attempted murder, he tried to kick my head off

when I was 12, it was just before 7am, I was trying to get out of the house quickly, I had shouted out ‘where are my socks?’ at my mother
He came running out of their bedroom still in his underwear, I had managed to get to the top of the staris when he caught me
He grabbed my collars, he grabbed my waist at the back, he picked me up & violently threw me down the stairs
I missed all the stairs & crashed in to the wall at the bottom of the stairs
This was attempted murder

when I was 8 I was told “It is inappropriate to show your mother affection”. I would not bw allowed to kiss her or to hug her & to say goodnight anymore.

when I was 9 to 10 there were 2 occassions where my sister had used felt pens on the furniture walls & white goods. she was terrified, whether she was thinking what happens to him is going to happen to me I don’t know, but she looked like that was her thinking
she blamed me, it was taken as fact without argument allowed, I was beaten for this on both occassions. from this day my sister realised that if she had done anything wrong all she had to do was blame me & it would be taken as fact, so she did & it would be used as an excuse to violently assault me

when I was 10 to 11 I had started to take booze from their supply in to a small brandy bottle, better to be drunk when getting beaten to death & at school after footbal matches

when I was 11 I was punched in the face for not brushing my teeth

when I was 11 to 12 I had ripped out so much off my hair that I had a bald patch where people used to take the piss because they acutally I was going prematurely bald
when this happened I started to pull my hair out one at a time & eat it
I still eat my own body hair to this day

when I was 13 I stopped praying to god every night to "please take me’ in my sleep I couldn't believe there was a god anymore that would allow this to happen
when I was 14 & 15 & 16 were the intense suicidal feelings that ended in running away & a failed suicide attempt at 16

when I was 13 just before that christmas I went in the loft because he kept his porn mags in a green briefcase. I was caught in the loft. When he went in to the loft & saw what I’d been doing he said that I had opened all the christmas presents & then used this as an excuse to attack me.

when I was 13 he made me paint the apex of the roof whilst he was at the bottom violently shaking the ladders

when I was 13 my mother was sobbing at my bedroom window she said she was going to leave both my sister & my self with him & get out of this house
I broke down, I begged her, pulling on her arm  “if you leave he’ll kill me”
My mum has difficulty remembering this because she was sobbing broken down as he had just attacked & beaten her, I didn’t know at the time.

when I was 14 I had my bkie stolen by him & he swapped it for a bike that was big enough for him so he could save bus fare by going on a bike

when I was 14 I was invited to his parent’s daughters wedding, when it was time for photographs I was told by his mother that ‘they didn’t want me to be in their photographs’ & I was to ‘get out of the way & stand over near a tree’ I had given over crying over his parenrs actins by this time

when I was 14 he took all my art supplies preventing me from drawing. I was told I wouldn’t be allopwed to draw again

when I was 14 he told me I had to get rid of my comics or he would “take them down stairs & burn them” I had thousands of pounds worth of comics, every 2000AD from issue 1 every star wars from issue 1 about a thousand american comics. I was collecting specific issues as I knew they would be worth money, they were worth at least £1000 I had to sell them all for £25 I was devastated I was in tears for weeks

when I was 16 for the 6 months prior to my o levels he wrote out 2 exams a day 5 days a week. It was one a day then moved to two a day. If I failed then I was beaten & had to do the exam again. This was a deliberate attempt to ruin my future as they had nothing to do with my o levels. I was beaten 3 times for protesting that I couldn’t revise for my o levels. I gave up protesting, as the beatings were so violent. I only passed 2 o levels when I was told by teachers that I would get 8.
I was also made to study advanced level physics at the same time to ensure I couldn’t revise for my o levels

When I was 16 he again was trying to kick me down the stairs, this time I turned around to grab his leg & missed I was thrown out. I ran away to kill myself. I had been told to ‘get out of this fucking house’ I was broken down, I was sobbing tears all the way on the bus to my grandmother’s flat, I was going to the garden of rememberance where my granddad was, take some pills I had taken & kill myself
my granddad was still trying to adopt me up to his death when I was 16
my grandad had just died & if he wasn’t there to save me there was no point in living as
his violent assaults would end up killing me so I ran away to kill myself

When I was 17 I had to lie in bed in the same room as them listening to him whisper in my mother’s ear ‘get rid of him’ ‘I want him out of this fucking house’ night after night

when I was 17 (to 18) I was thrown out of the house in barrow again "get out of this fucking house" again, I was jobless & homeless – some friends allowed me to store my stuff in their warehouse & sleep at their place over the weekend, but I was homeless the other times in that period
I didn’t see my mother for 4 years I didn’t see my sister for 6 years.
If I saw them shopping in clitherroe he would always see me & drag them away before they saw me

it was a nazi concentration camp existence of violence & brutality
there was mental or physical cruelty every day for 11 years

he would somehow see through these rages that he was killing me & would stop, take a deep breath then leave, just walk out
I used to beg him to stop, pleading him to stop
He did it because he loved it he loved being able to come home from a shit day at FADS & be able to take it out on me

after my sister had been born, a year after they had been married, I was allowed round to his parents house for Sunday lunch
this was the first time his parents found out that the woman who their son had got pregnant & they had forced him to marry her already had a bastard. His parents were disgusted humiliated degraded embarrassed  ashamed & they told me that they were
I wasn’t fed this first time in their house, as long as I was left-handed. I had to sit at a table whilst everyone ate, I was in tears after.
his parents always behaved in this way, they would always be telling me how inferior I was, how inferior my grandparents were, how inferior my family was. They would sometimes do it as jokes
his mother said on the telephone “the only reason he married your mother was because there was already one bastard in the family”

I recently found out about 3 assault he did against my mother
he attacked her 3 times, to let her know she was having that abortion whether she liked it or not, he also threw her down the stairs this was in little lever

when I went on holiday with my aunt & uncle & cousins at about 11, I hit my cousin, they knew something wasn’t right but did nothing
I know that Bill & Linda must of heard my screams
I know that the Aldersleys knew something was wrong, they offered me a place to stay when we were moving from little lever. I wasn’t allowed to stay
I know that the teacher next door knew something was wrong when he used to take me fishing
I know the Rostron’s knew something was wrong. I was on holiday with them & they wouldn’t stop asking ‘what’s wrong?’
I knew my uncle Rob & uncle Pete knew something was wrong. Uncle Rob offered to have words with him at my granddad’s funeral

I have been homeless on four occassions
I have lived in doss houses – where I was attacked sitting in a chair when someone came in from behind & repeatedly hit me in the face with a piece of wooden
I have lived in squalid bedsits
I have no friends
I am a ‘shut-in’
I haven’t killed myself because I feel I won’t get to see my grandparents again if I do
all my life I’ve been made to feel inferior
I’ve never had a decent lasting relationship
I’ve never had kids
I’ve mever been married
I haven’t had sex in over 15 years
I am just the "worthless piece of shit" that he used to scream at me whilst he was beating me as a child
trust no one [6 year rule]
deny everything

none of my family cared about me
they wouldn’t do anything to help me
none of them would believe me
none of them would bother
he would kill me if I told anyone 

I would say that it is only in the past 6 years that I have been able to control the extreme voilent mood swings & rages where I am lost in an hallucination of the past
I lock myself in the house when I feel it coming on & in the past I’ve just been lost, raging hallucination, screaming & ranting, totally lost in it until the rage died
these have been going on all my life in a constant cycle of depression & rage
from the age of 18 I’ve kept them hidden until I lost it in a voilent rage mood swing with my family on several occassions & I was told that I needed help
I have always been ashamed of these rages & have no friends because of it

I have suffered from mental illness since the age of 9
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TERROR NEVER LEAVES
It is a constant & I live life accordingly. I constantly worry about what I might do, because of the rage, to other people, so I keep myself in a house & don’t leave.
Combined with the fact I am just terrified of everything means I’ll end up killing myself so I don’t do something to someone else.

Because I’ve tried before
You would never be able to tell, I could apologise to you sincerely & you would buy it.

Because I used to have to beg for my life when the cunt was trying to murder me

I tried getting help, from the guy that advised on cracker
I can tell you where his daughter lives and works
I can tell you how great his tv career is
I can tell you how he can’t make his mind up wether its his son or son in law that plays classical guitar
I can tell you how fancy his mobile phone is
but I cant tell you how to deal with 11 years of violence & humilation
that still affects me to this day
that will get me to kill myself one day



I think there was a total of about 5, this just being one of them

"that yellow bastard" by frank miller



I used to take a bottle of booze to primary school, took it to a few discos along with some of my mum's motown collection, I recall most were more than willing to take a drink & the "dj" played the motown because it was better than the records he had ;)

"tears of a clown" smokey robinson




"waterfront" david sylvian


in respect of the savile investigation: 
after 11 years of child abuse at the hands of a wife beating baby killing child abuser
you don't tell anyone, ever
you don't trust anyone, ever
your life is just one disaster after another
your life is just a psychological mess
there are no relationship, ever
there are no friends, ever
you just shut yourself off from the world that betrayed you, & everyone in it 
you just aimlessly pathetically drift until you either die or kill yourself
which ever comes first
which is why it takes 20 or 30 or 40 years to come forward 
[it goes all the way to the top & already it is being muddied to make it look like savile was the sole culprit] 
I went to the police, one force said they'd do whatever they could, the other one just lied I was told it was my fault that I should have complained when I was 18 & not waited 25 years & still nothing is ever done
I'm sure their compensation will be commensurate, as it should be considering how abuse traumatises the victim
someday's are worse than others


naming names as has been mentioned by recent victims:
JOHN STEPHEN FOWLER 
****** ****
***** ****
****** ******
***** **** ****
01*** ******
07*** ******
[don't think I don't know your "new" address either]
[& thanks to Google I now have photos of your road & house too]
not sure when I'll go with his address & phone numbers, maybe after the police victim support & criminal injuries have finished with them
he told the police he didn't live there when he ran away from them & hid at his mother's

I have done nothing wrong
I have dome nothing to be ashamed of
& IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS THEN WHAT YOU DO IS TAKE ME TO COURT & SUE ME FOR SLANDER & DEFORMATION
& SO YOU CLEARLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING:
YOU ARE A WIFE BEATING BABY KILLING CHILD ABUSER
PHYSICAL ABUSE PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE NEGLECT
there's a 1st hand eye witness & 4 probable cause witnesses
I've been teaching myself law, not your law society shite either but real law so I hope you do
my life has been a mess & you are going to pay for making it that way I want you in prison for 11 years not a day more not a day less no parole solitary confinement no visitors no lawyers no letters no writing no newspapers no radio no television & then after 11 years you may begin to comprehend what you have done to me & my life

I'm tired of living
when my grandmother talked me out of killing myself at 16 I lived in her airing cupboard for 6 months, I only ventured out at night
then I had to go back home for 2 more years, I don't blame her she'd just lost her husband of 40 odd years I couldn't talk & she was in no state to handle me, she just wanted to die
at this time the physical abuse dropped off although he still would be but the threat of physical abuse & psychological abuse were ramped up to the maximum for example when my grandmother died at 18 he came into my bedroom woke me up by kicking my bed hard saying "get up your grandmother's dead" it resulted in me being left by the side of the road at 18 & homeless for the first time when they moved
my grandparents were the last friends I've ever had
my life's been shit ever since, not that you'd believe me
I have no friends
I've tried but they have always ended up humiliating me & degrading me & to them its always been a joke
the last time I tried was in 2009 but when I needed support going to the police he resorted to telling me what I could & couldn't do
they always end up calling me names "you freak" " you weirdo" "you creep" constant name calling threats abuse & these were my "friends"
I was walking past a window when I was 20 ish & had a rubbish bin was emptied on me from its 1st floor & the friends that were doing it were pointing & laughing at me
on this mans birthday people were joking about his age I made a joke & had a full pint of beer thrown over me
I've always been physically assaulted I still get physically assaulted even right now people are doing it 
grammar school was a nightmare, 5 years of bullying name calling assaults & abuse from the 1st year & in the last year I had my arms trapped in a desk whilst a bully was hitting me in the face I tried to leave & never go back but was forced to return this was another factor in attempting suicide at 16 
there were two teachers who knew that something was going on, a biology teacher who only met him once then offered to find me somewhere to live & a next door neighbour who took me fishing a couple of times

I'd like to be able to say that it didn't start until I was 7/8 but it started long before that
I remember one of the 1st times I went outside just about 2 to be shoved out of the way by neighbours, they didn't want the local bastard stood anywhere near them
at 4 I went to infant school there I found out what the word bastard meant & I was called it all the time by other school kids I remember the ring leader was a girl with long red hair & she always instigated it, it used to send me home in tears my grandmother went to the school to complain but this only stopped them doing it in school they continued it outside school constantly calling me bastard at infant school they used to sing that song at me "where's your daddy gone? where's your daddy gone? far far away"
I had to play in the school yard by myself, off in the corner, one day the wind whipped up & we were called inside, I remember looking up & that's the last thing I remember, I can only think someone then smashed my skull in & left me unconscious for 6 hours
I now believe in the law of attraction
I  try not to go out, it's not safe
I sleep downstairs on the floor I haven't slept in my bed for years

& the worse thing about all this? is now victim support [& the scottish police?] [& therefore criminal injuries who I need on my side so I can then prosecute him by myself if need be], claim they don't have these on their records, even though I spent over 2 hours being interviewed by the police & gave them to victim support at the meeting

I really don't need some cunt sat across from me telling me anything because they read about it in a book & now have some joke qualification & now they are really just making money from another human beings misery

I sometimes think I was meant to do something important, but after a smashed in skull, 8 mercury fillings, 11 years of child abuse & 12 years of drug abuse I've forgotten what it was 

I've been reading http://daffodilrites.blogspot.co.uk/ - strange how it brings back memories I'd forgotten [I'm not trying to claim what I went through is anywhere near what others have had to endure]

*** I've been told by my mum that there's a correction needed to the police document, that his parent's DIDN'T want him to marry her & not as I've put it, but as this was how it was handed to the police I won't correct the document itself just make the correction after-the-fact here instead

- to be continued?
[I'm dyslexic so writing is shall we say difficult it comes in small bursts so probably doesn't make much sense no rhythm to it I just put it down when it's in my head]

"There is NO WAY OUT... or round... or through."
Mind at the end of its Tether
HG Wells 1945 [his last book]

.:.

42 comments:

Anon said...

It is good to get these things out into the open.

- Aangirfan

Anonymous said...

my mothers boyfriend was the same agree its good to let it out x

A13 said...

((((HUGS)))
Peace and love to you...
you deserve so much after your ordeals.
My soul aches for you after reading this..
Blessings to you DNB.
A13 xx00

Sarah said...

One day a few years back I closed my eyes and focused my mind. I pictured myself in my flat about to leave through the front door.

I then pictured myself standing outside my flat and I pictured myself rising off the ground.I pictured myself rising high above and over the houses, moving further and further away until I came to the coast.

I pictured myself flying over the top of a very high cliff out to sea where I opened my mouth and exhaled and like in the film the Green Mile, a stream of poison came forth from deep inside me.

dognamedblue said...

better out than in as my grandmother used to say
but she used to say poison comes in small doses quite a lot & I'm still not sure what she meant by that

dognamedblue said...

thank you A13, that's very kind of you

dognamedblue said...

I got a book on self hypnosis Sarah & used their breathing exercise to get my brain waves flowing in the same direction, closed my eyes & imagined, for about 30mins, I do recall it was very helpful, I actually felt like I was taller when I had finished

Anon said...

Many thanks for the Jersey info.

Cheers.

- Aangirfan

Anon said...

And thanks for the update.

- Aangirfan

dognamedblue said...

whilst I understand & quite agree that on-line petition never really achieve their full potential if this one goes viral it could just bring down their house of cards

A13 said...

Just popping in to say Hi and how are you..
Hope is all going well for you :)
Cheers A

DarkStar888 said...

Hello My Friend,

I read your story. The response I am able to give in writing can't express really how I feel. Its was profound, needless to say. I am impressed with your truth. It was heart felt. Suffering is something that is a foundation in this creation in order to control us and keep up from being who we truly are. I will say I felt great bravery in you. You are of very strong stock, as many of are that live or exist in on-going suffering. It's in all kinds of our own lives in so many ways. We see and we compare and wonder why it is this way? The answers are all there. We just have to look in the right places. I am here for you brother.

The following quotes are two I like from the Illuminati-matrix. Be well my friend.

"The 3 dimensional illusion is CREATED BY THE THOUGHT PROCESS. Thinking is not being aware. Thinking is that thing any conscious being APPEARS TO DO to attempt to manipulate the future, or relive the pain/pleasure from the past. Both these time zones, the future and the past, do not exist. Therefore, thinking about them to manipulate them is a deception. However, to consider what is happening in this moment is not called thinking. Staying in the moment and meeting the needs of the moment is awareness of the 3 dimensional space, albeit, an illusory space. To function within this 3D space requires that needs be met. Reality, and our true eternal wisdom state, extends beyond the 3D illusory forms, and that wisdom state simply knows everything through awareness, ALREADY. Our eternal wisdom state knows the manipulation process of the luciferian egregore group of thinkers. Wisdom knows that this luciferian group plays god and plays the devil. Both of which are none existent. Wisdom, through awareness, sees how this group mindset bands together to manifest the reality they want all humanity to follow."

"The aim of the luciferian group egregore is to establish a New World Messianic Age, where the control of the illusion we call humanity, is the manipulation tactic that will be increased to such an extent that escape from being manipulated by the total 3D illusion is all but impossible. Wisdom knows, and sees the lunacy of this 3D illusory reality. The illusion called humanity, (and humanity is an illusion), will awake from the trance and reconnect to our original state through awareness. These entities, who manifest their CONTROL OF REALITY through the lives of the elite, will soon dissolve in frustration as humanity stops responding to the subliminal messages that bombard the wisdom state in endless fashion. For it is that the 3 dimensional experience is NOT REAL, and it only exists IN OUR MINDS. Therefore, its in OUR MINDS, (which are in reality, THEIR MINDS), that we disconnect emotionally from the 3D space and reclaim our eternal state, which is here now. This is what we are! We are the original eternal paradise state, and the 3D illusion was simply conjured up through the THOUGHT PROCESS to separate us from this immense power and peace of the wisdom state and thereby deceptively manipulate this ultimate state of being into servitude to the luciferian egregore. The beneficial aspect in understanding this, is that at any moment of our choosing, we can become aware of the luciferian hypnotic manipulation, and we can reclaim our wisdom state, and experience the freedom of the paradise state right now."

DS888 (Ian)

Carol A. Valentine said...

Dognamedblue

I came by after reading your exploits on Aangirfan about the ballot form.

That is the kind of activity that really frightens Them. I like your style.

Feel welcome to visit me at

www.worldblogofblogs.blogspot.co.uk

I know my style can be a little radical sometimes but I hope you appreciate the effort I make.

Carol A. Valentine

PS any constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated.

PPS do you mind if I add your blog to one of my blogroll lists?

Julia said...

I am very moved by reading your story, and I admire your strength in speaking out in public.
I am sure there is a reason you're still here. And maybe that will become clearer in time. Maybe it's to help topple the almighty power structures we live under.

Julia said...

I have been thinking of your story a lot since I read it. It seems to me that one of the things you are still here for is to remind everyone of what is going on, because you have survived it. The kids that are still in it cannot speak out. People who have not been through it cannot speak out unless they come across people that have been through it. The Jillings enquiry I notice, is now trying to say that it is all in the past and the file should be closed, we do things differently now, children are cared for in a different way.
Children are still being abused everywhere, loads of them, and blind eyes are being turned, and information is being covered up. McAlpine is shutting everyone up.
Black Friday will get everyone back on track with Xmas shopping.
Here are some books that you may or may not know about or find helpful. I have been through some crap myself though not quite the same stuff or severity as you.
The Continuum Concept describes how we have this built in repetition compulsion. She gets this idea from observing South American tribe that she lived with for 2 years. If the tribe is healthy, we just repeat everything when bringing up our kids, and all is well. Bringing up kids is easy and successful. If we are treated badly, the same compulsion to repeat kicks in, but of course it is bad things we are compelled to repeat! So we end up with an internal battle.
Alice Miller has written some brilliant stuff on poisonous pedagogy. E.g. The Truth Shall Set You Free. One book describes the childhood of Hitler, which sounds similar to yours, except you had your saving grace of your grandparents. This made Hitler perfect for running Nazi Germany. It seems that having just one good person in your life who cares can save you in some way.
Alice Miller also has a website, though she died only last year. She was tireless in working towards a better way of raising kids, and showing how bad our way is, and how much abuse occurs.
Some Other Rainbow is about the Lebanon hostage John McCarthy. Very different scenario, but the emotions and the survival tactics are very similar. I thought so, anyway.
I also find that getting out is essential to feeling ok. I can see why you don't, because you do not want to repeat on others what happened to you. Walking out in nature is something I find improves my spirit and my faith in the world. You don't have to be in crowds of people. There is a book about that too called Nature Cure by Richard Mabey. I havent read it.
Hope that is of use. If not, just ignore it!
I enjoy reading your comments on SuliWrites and The Tap, and now I am enjoying your blog too.

dognamedblue said...

I do try to remind myself that at least I'm not dead
& I have thought about how to help others & how to go about it which seems to me to be at opposites to how others, the "qualified" brigade, would go about it
I've seen 5 shrinks but just end up annoyed with them as all they can relate is what they've read or what they've been told to do in this situation
I often think helping others would be the only good answer for me, but stop myself as I have no "qualifications" that the medical profession would accept to be in that kind of position
I went to a college & a woman gave me a book to read, the second in a trilogy "I know my name is ???" [this is where my dyslexia crops up & I can't remember the important bits] very disturbing but I know she meant well
will try & check out the books, one thing I do like is to go out miles away from where I live & look round the second hand book shop, usually for art books

Julia said...

I had another thought for you dognamedblue. This time about God!
I see God as our collective human thought. Though I don't like the word God, because it has been misused for evil.
Our collective thought is very powerful, and could save kids from abuse quite easily Ithink. The trouble is, the thoughts of all those good caring people out there have been hijacked by the evil ones for their own ends. Everything out there, TV, media, entertainment etc is designed to program our minds.
So even when good people manage to get out of their programming and notice abuse, they still can't get out of their programming enough to do anything about it. Or maybe it needs larger numbers of people unprogarmming themselves.
So at the moment, God seems pretty awful because of people's minds being programmed and hijacked. But maybe one day things will be different. Keep your kind open to that possibility.
I think when enough of us get back control of our own minds, abuse will just not be able to happen. The thought field will be too full of goodness.
I have to say Thankyou, for reminding us all, by your story, of what has gone on, and what still goes on. It is all too hidden, and too easy to forget. And the kids that are being abused right now are not in a position to speak out.
My two big motivating factors in what I write and do and think and be, are to end child abuse and to end war.
And I will never give up believing that is a possible future for humanity.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. The reading of it left me trembling. My abusive father was mostly verbal with sexual overtones and it has continued into my adulthood whenever Im forced into his company. My mother however was physically abused in secrer. Listening to it made me feel homicidal. He threatened her life plenty of times. My post traumatic stress disorder is much like yours. Over stimulated during daylight hours, social phobia, no relationships. Ive opened up to a few, but they usually tell me Im weak and over reactive. Thanks again for sharing. It seems only the abused can ever really understand what these scars do to you, permenently sometimes. The hardest part of my family life is the way my mother and sibs side with my father. His ringleading in his scapegoating was very effective. At least in any real sense I lost my whole family. Even though my 3 sisters have never been married for than a couple of years and obviously cant function normally either, they lack education and have no clue the root of thier disfunction. Looking forward to following your blog.

Anon said...

Many thanks for your useful and encouraging comments.

You are a secret intellectual.

Cheers,

Aangirfan

dognamedblue said...

I'm not clever
far from it
but at least I'm willing to admit how stupid I am

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your story.
I will check the rest of your blog with interest.
My advice = vent your rage on a cushion or punchbag [if your wrists are strong enough]. Scream it out.. feel the pain. Easier said than done so of course i am screaming hypocrite but you seem smart enough to take good advice, which i hope that was, from hypocrites.
That breathing exercise sounded good. Title?

dognamedblue said...

there are three [cassette] tapes I have that deal with breathing, amongst other things, one is from a book on self hypnosis [will have to get it from the book shelf for the title], one by a guy called paul mckenna called "deep relaxation" & the third is from a shrink, I think he might have had it produced for his sessions dealing with murderers in prison

DarkStar888 said...

Hi DNB. How are you doing? Wanted to visit to see if you are posting anything new?

Hmmm. It's Dec 23, 2012. WOW am still here. Not that I thought otherwise. 3D World still here and we don't seem any more... "Conscious Evolved" either. As I expected...nothing happened, wasn't suppose to...yet! Just another fucking day in the stupid Matrix. :)

Take care.

DS888

A13 said...

Merry Christmas DNB..
hope your days are Going OK during this time..
Blessings, peace , love and hugs to you friend.

Cheers and prost mate :)
A13

Happy day :)

dognamedblue said...

thank you A13
& merry christmas & happy new year to you

[I did mean to get back to the "lighthouse" thread, honest: it's a shame as J says, the lighthouse keeper used to retire & pass it on to his children, every generation, but now it's just a shirt & tie in an office pressing buttons. I used to work with this "old timer" who was born in a lighthouse, so was his dad, so was his granddad, all finished with now]

Anon said...

Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

- Aangirfan

A13 said...

Happy New Year DNB :)
Hope 2013 is a great year for you..
How is your painting going??
Love from Down Under
A

dognamedblue said...

thank you Aangirfan
& happy new year to you too :)
hope all goes well

dognamedblue said...

happy new year to you A13!
thank you for the best wishes & I hope your new year has started well & continues that way :)

paintings going ok, have decided to stop doing the copy art as I'm just hiding from having to do my own :)
next up is "the secret garden of citizen S" with all their masonic symbols, can't resist it

dognamedblue said...

with regards to why my blog hasn't been updated since september:
at first I was just going to leave it for the month of september whilst I listened to "secrets of the beehive" for that month
then I remembered how for a few years in the past I was annoying those people that folks believe voting for makes a difference, until secret services decided to pay an interest, & decided to use twitter to restart my annoying activities again & wanted to have a fall back, you know people can read this then think twice about trying to shut me up this time
I was finishing off some art for christnas presents & the news was on in the background talking about savile & jonathon bridges from farley's solicitors was being quoted saying it was disappointing for the victims who would get nowhere with any inquiries
we are using farley's solicitors to help us get answers to why my uncle was jailed & died handcuffed to a bed
I see them in a couple of weeks & we are then in court in february for farley's to get the answers & I was going to ask the manchester office about jonathon bridges & if they wanted to read this blog
so things will be this way a bit longer, until february at least
that's if I don't decide to give the net, or hg wells' "world brain" a miss all together, it's all just predictive programming anyway, a very few people you can trust, or would even want to ;)

A13 said...

How are you going DNB
I've been doing it pretty hard,
Hope you are well and the court thing you posted above about is sorted.
It's weird predictive programming alright but i've decided to just be aware of it as much as i can on all levels and to bunker in as they say..
that's why i've written sweet fu@% all lately..
All the best to you.
A

dognamedblue said...

hope things are going ok for you A13

I think lawyers have a different understanding of the word time
finally got a reply from them yesterday after another this time 3 week delay so have to phone them up to take it a step further but they were ok with my uncle's case so happy to give them time it may work out in the long run, hopefully

I still get suckered into the programming even though I try my best not to

hope things get better

dognamedblue said...

finally got shit together & have a telephone call at 2.30pm this thursday with Farleys

I guess it either goes yes or no point bothering

I hope it's yes

dognamedblue said...

got an early phone call today
she was stuck in court so arranged a new time

at least that's better than a "no"

dognamedblue said...

since spoken to 3 solicitors that deal with this kind of thing
& they all say as it's not sexual abuse I need a police conviction before they could take it on

so back in to limbo I go

I've asked victim support to ask the scottish police to ask the english police to investigate it again as all 3 said the police are running around like headless chickens for not bothering with these types of cases before
but I'm not holding my breath

just makes me feel sick, don't know why I even bothered

A13 said...

Hi DNB, Thats crap news..so sorry to hear that..
IMO abuse is abuse..it still hurts, it still disables, it still effects you for the rest of your life...

At least you tried, but it doesn't help the healing process, if there is one, when one form of abuse takes precedence before all others...

I hope things are going better for you anyway..if you ever want to chat you can email me...
I was adopted and al;so treated like shit by my adopted parents.. I'm still effected by it and have the deep pain..debilitating sometimes.
thirteenthmonkey@y7mail.com

All the best and thoughts and prayers :)

dognamedblue said...

I can only apologise for not getting back to you sooner A13 but literally the day of the post my laptop crashed & I wasn't able to get online
I was using my mobile phone but only got internet when I bought enough credit but that din't last as I wasn't going to buy credit I wasn't using for anything
thank you for your offer, I'm not really able to go through things at the moment, mentally, the police have been in touch with victim support but not with me for some reason, so still in limbo as it were & I think it's better if I try to avoid it all together at the moment, for my own sanity lol
if I ask someone nice;y they let me use their laptop to surf around but it's windows8 & doesn't have any of my software on it so it's not something I like but it does force me to do a bit more art which I'm trying to get back into
again thank you it does mean something to think their are others out there

dognamedblue said...

I got a phone call from Victim Support this morning, the Manchester Police have instructed the Bolton Police to reopen the case again, they want to speak to 2 of my uncles, I haven't seen either of them in nearly 30 years
I had to write the letter asking Manchester Police myself as I can't afford to pay a solicitor & as it wasn't sexual abuse none of them were really interested as they wouldn't be able to make any money out of it anyway
Victim Support seemed genuinely "excited" [not the right word] that my letter had been successful but for some reason I don't feel as good, just a bit sick, probably because my laptop crashed that had everything on it & I'm lost without it

Anon said...

Merry Christmas. Very many thanks for all the comments you've written on my blog. You are inspirational.

- from Aangirfan

dognamedblue said...

NO YOU'RE THE INSPIRATION!

dognamedblue said...

when I've been down it's been reading your blog that has always helped me through
some are hard to read, but they have to be read or what they're about may just end up not being here, if no one is watching they just may not exist
some are just a pleasure on a different train of thought (although some don't like you being interested in other things)
and the replies are always as much a part of the blog as the blog itself
thank you & merry christmas to you
a.

By Daffodil said...

Bugger all wrong with your writing. :-)