all this talking is only bravado

...

when he used to be beating me
he used to say things to me
he told me how none of my family cared about me
he told me how they wouldn’t do anything to help me
he told me it wouldn’t matter what I said none of them would believe me
he told me none of them would bother

to this day I still believe him, no one cares, no one will help
I couldn’t tell my mum because she was the person supporting him
there was nobody to turn to just waiting for him to kill me, for 11 years
I've always felt not wanted
I’m afraid when my mum dies I will just end up homeless again

from the age of 9 I believed he was going to murder me
from the age of 9 I lived in terror of him going to kill me any second

when I've been low, living in a doss house when someone sneaks in behind me & starts hitting me in the face with a piece of wood, when I've been really low no family was there, no family cared I was all alone

every day is why didn’t you kill yourself why don’t you kill your self
I am still terrified to this day that he will kill me
I am still terrified to this day that someone will kill me
everytime I go out the door & now inside my house
if I don’t kill myself then I know someone else will
some cunt like a drunk angus swan

I still live with these things every second of every day
these are the nightmares I can’t wake up from
no one cares or ever will
I should kill myself
it will be weeks before they “find” my body

this is why I smoke cannabis – no you won’t stop me, you just don’t fucking get it do you? Go on explain to me how you get it? – it numbs everything. after years of being numb I can try & function close to something like normal because everything is dead. just as long as I have something to do just so long as I have something to live for the alternative is not being numb & killing myself
this is why I’ve been homeless & lived in a doss house, it has never mattered
I have a sister who would prefer it if I wasn’t around so she could get back to a relationship with her dad & cousins who could care less

I’m 43 & know things will never change
I don’t want to be alone but that’s all I will ever be
*****************************
I can’t take anymore
from being shoved around as the bastard baby to being physically assaulted wherever I’ve lived or wherever I’ve worked to the police lying to me breaking their oath to protect me I can’t face it anymore, years of this
I’m just the worthless piece of shit he said I was

.:.