Friday, 13 August 2010

something to live for?


COPY ART - after: roy lichtenstein - pistol 1964
acrylic on canvas
30cm x 40cm
£50 +p&p & insurance

it's not what he did to me
that was physical
& years have passed
it is the nightmare he has left me with
that being I am a worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to live
that's the nightmare I can't wake up from
that's the nightmare that keeps me down stairs on the sofa
that's the nightmare that rules my life restricting my every tun
now if people understand this then I can trust them & we can move forward & hopefully leave it behind

can you understand why I need something to live for?
I'm not it, just the worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to live
on a psychological level it really is something I think I have to do/be/have
if I don't then one day I worry that I might just do it
if I have something to live for then I will be functioning on something close to a "normal level"
it is something I would do well, I am subservient to everything, I can't help it, it's all that's left
it took years after to just stop doing whatever anybody said
it took me even longer to stop physically flinching if anyone moved near me
if I had something to live for then I really would be alive

I thought/think I've found someone that is worth living for

1 comment:

dognamedblue said...

"I came online earlier this evening & you went off (& again just now)
you're too polite to say it so I will
I negatively effect how you use facebook
I never meant for that or even thought about it
infact I had hoped it would have been the opposite & I would positively effect how you used facebook

if I can't control my tongue & only make stupid crass ignorant offensive & regrettable remarks or make you change the way you use fb then I'm the problem :)
the reason I asked if you wanted me to delete your phone number was I had it in my head that there might be some regret at using text to politely & generously let me off making stupid crass ignorant offensive & regrettable remarks when there was other options - if I'm being honest I got off lightly, not that you would have said anything, you can but are better than that & choose not to
it's no defence but you're not the only one
seem to be doing a good enough job of being that way with everything
think it started several months ago when the police didn't do something they said they would & to me that was a lack of commitment to the case, so I rang them & told them & it's been down hill since
I'm sure I'll say the wrong things again to lots more before it's over with
look I'm not going to be responsible for that, I might be stupid but know when I'm doing something that changes people's life for the worst - yes I do know I AM responsible for it but I know just what to do to change that

I'll deactivate this account
love always