A POEM FOR BRIDGET

I would have bought you roses
To show you that I care
To show how much I love you
My bleeding heart laid bare

But to love you is heartbreaking
To know you're just not there
What would I give to hold you
Though your wish is not to care

I would have bought you roses
To show my love was true
Except I write here broken-hearted
I am so in love with you

...
working on another
they don't come as easily as they used to
but then I've never been broken hearted before

there was one before her, but the 10 year age difference was too much for her so she went back to her ex-husband
& about 16 years ago a rather pathetic "relationship" that lasted 4 months until she decided to bring home the man she had been fucking on holiday & so that was that
& before that what can only be described as degrading & humiliating experiences for the poor women involved in my drunken attempts to have sex about 6 times
there's nothing to give me the experience to handle her not being there
I don't know what to do
I'm lost & making so many many mistakes
honestly don't see the point in continuing
I've not felt like this since I was 16 & failed to kill myself
guess it's just another regret to add to my life of regrets
I see why nobody has slept with me for over 15 years

when I was a child & he used to beat me near to death
he used to say things to me as he was doing it
he told me that this would never happen for me
I was scared
you are so beautiful & you were saying all those things to me
I ran away because it was easier to do than believe you
how could I believe you? (you are beautiful you are everything)
why would you be saying those things?
you couldn't have meant them?
& you couldn't have meant them for me anyway?
it was all I knew
my only experience was being told that it would never happen for me
I wanted you to understand
but you wouldn't, you just left
& now I cry every day
.:.