Tuesday, 7 September 2010

one of my turns...


When your husband used to be beating me to death

He used to say things to me
He told me how none of my family cared about me
How they wouldn’t help me
Wouldn’t matter what I said none of them would believe me
None of them would do anything
to this day I still believe him, none of them cares, no one would help

all I knew until I was 42 was this woman who gave birth to me agreed with everything her husband was doing to me
supporting him in everything

it was all I've ever known for all my life
how could I have known what he was doing to you too? how could I have known he was beating you? how could I have known he was throwing you down stairs too? how could I have known he was making sure you were having that abortion at the ends of his fists? how could I have known how brainwashed you were?
it just makes everything worse

From the age of 9 I believed he was going to murder me
From the age of 9
I lived in terror of him going to kill me any second
until I was 18 & you then abandoned me & made me homeless, I had no family no friends no job, I had to break in to the shed in the graveyard to have somewhere dry to sleep I never saw you for 4 years I never saw my sister for 6 years

when I've been low, living in a doss house when someone sneaks in behind me & starts hitting me in the face with a piece of wood, when I've been really low no family was there, no family cared I was alone lost nothing no one cared

I still live with these things every second of every day
these are the nightmares I can’t wake up from
no one cares or ever will
it will be weeks before they “find” my body

I’m 43 & know things will never change



dognamedblue said...

by the age of nine I was broken
all it took was a look from him to have me terrified for my life & what he was about to do to me
completely broken
there was no need to continue beating me to death
by the age of nine I started saying "this time he's going to kill me"
by the age of nine I started fanatically praying to god to "please save me"
I used to fall asleep praying to god
when I stopped at thirteen god let it continue for another five years
I ran away at 16 to kill myself
I couldn't take anymore

life has been one long disappointment in not killing myself ever since


dognamedblue said...

at 16 when my granddad died
I believed the only thing that had kept me alive was gone
if the only thing that had kept me alive was no longer there then there was no point in living
it was now only a matter of time before he would kill me
so I would kill myself first before he got the chance

life has repeatedly shown me again & again that it was a mistake not to kill myself

Anon said...

I am glad I discovered this blog.

The writing shows great intelligence.

- Aangirfan.

dognamedblue said...

to be honest I thought I was descending into madness! as no one was reading I let it happen, kind of hoping there was a way out